John Dies at the End by David Wong

Here is the link to the Goodreads page with the picture of the cover. For some reason, probably the new Blogger template (Seriously? I need to download Google Chrome for it to work? I barely have enough space as it is.), I can't publish anything with photos. Sorry for the picturless post!



Summary:

STOP. You should not have touched this flyer with your bare hands. NO, don't put it down. It's too late. They're watching you. My name is David Wong. My best friend is John. Those names are fake. You might want to change yours. You may not want to know about the things you'll read on these pages, about the sauce, about Korrok, about the invasion, and the future. But it's too late. You touched the book. You're in the game. You're under the eye. The only defense is knowledge. You need to read this book, to the end. Even the part with the bratwurst. Why? You just have to trust me.

The important thing is this: The drug is called Soy Sauce and it gives users a window into another dimension. John and I never had the chance to say no. You still do. I'm sorry to have involved you in this, I really am. But as you read about these terrible events and the very dark epoch the world is about to enter as a result, it is crucial you keep one thing in mind: None of this was my fault.



Review:

John Dies at the End is one of my favorite books—probably making the least sense—I have read in 2012. I had never before with a book wished that the pages would flow slower or tried to read in small intervals to make a book last longer. The plot was second in importance when compared with the voices and humor of JDatE’s characters. I think no other book would have accomplished getting me to laugh out loud during a fetal pig dissection (thankfully, I had the option to opt out), while also making me mistrustful of the dead pig because possibly the pig’s internal organs might become external and explode when trying to kill me. Here’s the quote that let me know I needed to buy John Dies at the End immediately because a Kindle sample just wouldn’t cut it:

“Let's say you have an ax. Just a cheap one, from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you're the one who shot him.”

David Wong, also the pseudonymly named author, is an amazing narrator. He has the whole “So. Paranormal stuff. That’s really weird. And it kinda sucks. Let’s go kick a meat monster’s butt. *Insert funny penis joke here*” vibe going on. It’s not every day you encounter that vibe from anywhere. JDatE has it down to a freaking science. The tone wasn’t so serious that the book lost its whimsical vibe, but the funny narration was presented in a way that the scary things going on still seemed real and scary enough.

Five stars.

Regular posting and SPOLIER ALERT: John Dies at the End

Hey.


          It’s summer—in case no one noticed. It being summer means there’s no more school. There being no more school translates to no more homework. By no more homework I mean no more biweekly history assignments on writing, just an example, two page essays analyzing the significance of Justinian and Theodora’s mosaics. It was pretty cool to figure out I had it in me to prattle on about the significance of Justinian’s height in relation to his followers for half a page, but that prattle didn’t leave me much opportunity to do much else. Now that summer, the time of abundant free time, is here, I can go back to reviewing the normal at-least-one-every-week way.

            And—omg—I have read SO MANY good books. SO MANY. One of the books just happens to be John Dies at the End by (pseudonym) David Wong. I’m planning to review it later in the week, but just one post does not express how much I fell in love with that book. No, it needs... one post... PLUS A COUPLE OF SENTANCES. So... here it is! Yay! SENTANCES. Yeah. I’m planning on saving most of my hard-core fan-girling for later.

       And here is the link to the movie trailer for John Dies at the End if the below Youtube video is acting not nice. Only the best books get made into real live movies. Remember that.




P.S. Does anyone know how to see something embedded in an online photo? There is a alternate reality game going on the JDATE (Ha! Best. Abbreviation. Ever.) website that allows people to see a preview of the next book. Of course, only the computer savvy are open to such an opportunity. Seriously, what normal person knows what embedding is? Let alone how to see iHAIL KORROK.

The Hunger Pains by The Harvard Lampoon

And here is the link to the trailer. Because it made my day, and I'm hoping it will have a similar effect on you. Slinkies save lives.   


Review:

          The Hunger Pains was the first parody I’d ever read. I don’t even know how I came to be reading it Just kidding, I know exactly how: After I had lent my copy of The Hunger Games to my sister (who reads at the speed of ten pages per doctor visit), my mom convinced me to relinquish the book to my sister’s care. I think she was in shock that my sister was reading. For fun. She promised to get me another copy, which was fine with me. The orange juice I had previously spilt on the cover morphed into a stain in the shape of a disfigured pencil and it was really starting to bug me.


          I got the book the day after. The first thing that alerted me that something wasn’t right was the dead golden bird. I could have sworn it was meant to be alive. Then I saw that, instead of the word, games, it said pains. My mom had mixed up the two books. They do look quite alike. I saw it was a parody and thought, why not read my first ever parody? And that, my readers, is how I came to read my very first parody. I bet your “first ever parody” story isn’t as cool as mine. To please Buttitch Totalapathy, I will even bet you on it.

         Kantkiss Neverclean of district twelve, the telemarketing district, has been chosen to be a tribute in the seventy-fourth annual Hunger Games along with the doughy Pita Malarkey. The only three people who can possibly get her out alive are Buttitch, Effu Poorpeople, and Cinnabon. Thankfully, Kantkiss has a few... mad skills of her own. A quote to showcase why Kantkiss should be in the running for most badass female protagonist of the year:

       “Here I am, my life on the line, being judged by people who don’t appreciate good theater... Enough is enough. Without even thinking, I shoot an arrow right at the apple in the pheasant’s mouth. I miss pretty badly and the arrow enters the chest of a rainmaker and pins him, dead, against the wall.”

         Most of the parts of The Hunger Pains turned out to be funny. Having random things happen in the context of a favorite book is pretty freaking hilarious. Other parts deserved a well placed facepalm. The Rue part was taken too far into weirdness and the random people dying by explosions got old quickly in the 157 pages of the book. But I did burst into hysterical laughter about every five pages, so.... good show. The Hunger Pains gets three and a half stars.

Freshman Year and Other Unnatural Disasters by Meredith Zeitlin

Summary:

So, let’s say you’re fourteen years old and you live in New York City.
(Well, technically you live in Park Slope, Brooklyn, which is very close to and almost just like Manhattan… except not.) You’d think your life would be like a glamorous TV show, right? And yet...
You don’t have a checking account, much less a personal Black American Express Card. No fake ID, either – not that you’d pass for 21 in a million years even if you did. The only couture in your closet is a Halloween costume your mom made out of an old laundry bag when you were eleven. You’ve never been to a club, or had a drink served in a martini glass or, frankly, done anything really NYC-ish at all.
You definitely don’t have any secret powers, or friends who are vampires, or magical weapons stored in your parents’ basement. You’re about as normal and totally boring as a human being living in the most exciting city on the planet could possibly be.

In other words? You’re me: Kelsey Finkelstein.
But don’t despair, people—I’m starting high school in less than a week! This is going to be the year that I live up to all of my untapped potential—finally.

I have to say… I’m feeling almost optimistic.



Review:

       I underestimated Freshman Year and Other Unnatural Disasters. Pretty stupid for a current freshman herself, eh? I thought it was going to be a randomly forgettable, cutesy freshman novel. I was hesitant in giving it a try before I read all the positive reviews on Goodreads. Point is: If any ya’ll are considering not reading Freshman Year and Other Natural Disasters only because the entire plot is about a freshman doing freshmanish things, give it a try. Freshmanish things are surprisingly fun. So are freshmen. Yay freshmen! Freshman Year and Other Natural Disasters never tries to downplay freshman. It’s great book even for really old people, like seniors.


       Expanding on my positive outburst on the subject of freshmen (ehem, “Yay freshmen!”), Kelsey Finkelstein is my hyperbolic hero. Every other sentence in Kelsey’s mind Must Be Exaggerated. And that makes me love her, like, 289.34 times more. If I was as bubbly as Kelsey, I think I would’ve leaped through the ceiling by now. Reading Freshman Year and Other Natural Disasters made me cheerful by osmosis.

            Five stars is greatly deserved.